What do older dogs and Pangea have in common?

But I decided it was a bit too Nietzsche

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Tim was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre (crossed out) dyrea (crossed out) direathe (crossed out) the shits. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upsent stomach. her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

All my eggs dyed

Because it's East-er.

Dream life: A Russian girlfriend, a Swedish wife, a German housekeeper, a French chef, and an Italian mother-in-law. Real life: A German girlfriend, a Swedish wife, a Russian housekeeper, a French mother-in-law, and an Italian chef.

I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”. She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.

In an attempt to prove that the human genome is very similar to primates once and for all, German scientists decided to conduct an experiment to see if a human could successfully mate with an orangutan and produce offspring. An ad was put in the paper which read, "Mate with an orangutan. $1000". A country boy responds to the ad and says he will do it if the scientists can agree to three conditions: 1) He was allowed to help raise the baby if one resulted; 2) He has a say in what religion the baby would practice; 3) He was allowed to make instalment payments on the $1000.

'You're putting the heart before the course!'

She is never coming back, and don't ask 'Y.'

What a huge waist!